Day # 19 Question: The longest period of time I’ve gone without showering or bathing is…
When I was 17, I lied to my boss. I informed him that a dire family emergency made going to my job as a lifeguard impossible for me for an entire weekend, but in truth, I headed to the beach with four of my best friends. For the first two days, we ruled the beach in our string bikinis; sunning and funning and sneaking the occasional underage beer that my friend Laurie had brought along. Everything was literally going swimmingly until on the third and final day of our retreat when, on a simple beach stroll, we chose to ignore a sign that in bold, red, blaring letters spelled out “Restricted Area, No Beach Access.” “Screw that sign!” my friend Amy roared. “We rule this beach!” We all heartily agreed with her as we brazenly shimmied under the heavy chain meant to keep us out. “This part of the beach is freakin’ amazing,” my friend Beth declared. She was right; it was astonishing! The sky was bluer, the beach was cleaner, the water was clearer and the waves were wavier. We were just about to engage in an underage toast to celebrate our new paradise when we were captured by pirates!
Unfortunately, our captors weren’t the Orlando Bloom or Johnny Depp type of pirates. These were buccaneers of the filthy, stinking, unwashed and very unattractive variety. Certain that their mission was to violate the five of us in unsavory and unspeakable ways we fought them tooth and nail, but their thick layers of filth made them impervious to our assaults. “What do you want from us?” I demanded as they dragged us to small, humid quarters located in the very bowels of the ship. “Arrr, we aim to make ye as filthy as we be!” one pirate snarled as he chained us to the wooden walls. “Well, that’s kind of ridiculous,” our friend Pam chimed. “Why don’t you just deflower us and let us go?” Pam was kind of a slut. “Shut up, Pam!” we said in unison. “Arrr, tis not yer young, nubile forms that we be a wantin’. We’re bein’ literal. We aim to make you as grimy and grubby as we be!”
True to their word, for 30 long days and 30 long nights the pirates pummeled us with dirt, garbage and unnamed filth. Finally, on the morning of the 31st day their ship was overtaken by a cutter of very attractive Coast Guardsmen. “Are you here to deflower us?” asked Pam wearily. “No, we’re here to rescue you. Your families have been worried sick, except for yours, Pam. Your mom figured that you met some guy and, um…well…” “Yeah, Pam’s kind of a slut,” Laurie added as she flexed her arms, now free of the chains. By the end of the day we were safely home, basking in the cleansing waters of our own bathrooms.
So, there you have it. I went for 30 and ½ days without a bath or shower. It was a grueling adventure and I definitely learned my lesson about ignoring restrictive signage. What? You don’t believe me? Alright, I’ll fess up! None of that really happened. (I know you’re shocked, because my tale seemed so very plausible!) I would have never lied to my boss at 17, nor would my strict parents have allowed me to go to the beach for a weekend without adult supervision! It’s just that my real answer of 13 days of going without showering or bathing, because I had mono, seemed so terribly boring!
🙂 Have a super fabulous and safe weekend, dear readers!