H.I. Ate Us– Or, What I’ve Been up to for the Past Eight Months

H.I. Ate Us?  No he didn’t!

Sometimes life gets in the way of blogging; at least that’s what I’m blaming my eight month, unplanned hiatus on.  It couldn’t be laziness or my incredibly short attention span that’s kept me away from sharing my life on WordPress for the past three-quarters of a year.  Since a picture is worth a thousand words, making a mere word is just worth a word, I thought I’d combine the two to let you know what I’ve been up to.

 

 

 

November:  I went through quite a little art phase that began in November and is still going on.  I collage. I paint. I shop at Michael’s.  I make art, not great art, but I think that people at Michael’s probably think I’m Picasso as much as I’m in there!

Look out, Target! Here comes the smooth art stylings of Sprinkles!

December:  In December, my husband made one of my wildest dreams come true!  It involved a bus, the hubs and another man who I hope to one day make my second brother-husband.  Minds out of gutters, dear readers!  My husband took me to Manhattan to see Hugh Jackman on Broadway.  Our seats were close enough for me to see the sweat on his well-chiseled brow.  The whole trip was one of the best times I’ve ever had.

Hooray! There’s the Broadhurst! I’m coming for you, Hugh!

Right before going in. Oh how I wish I’d had the balls to sneak a forbidden photo, or two, inside the theatre, but I know I’m the type who would get caught!

*January:  I couldn’t recount the past eight months without recalling my favorite trashy TV premiers.  VH-1’s Mob Wives premiered in January.  Now repeat after me in your very best Botox inhibited and cigarette induced New Jersey accent:  “You ain’t lived until you’ve seen and heard Big Ang!”  Really, readers, you haven’t!

Courtesy of VH1's Mob Wives

Oh, Gawd, look at her posing! She’s a jewel!

*February:  TV goodness continues with the premier of National Geographic’s Doomsday Preppers.  If this show doesn’t help you get ready for December 2012, nothing will.

Courtesy of National Geographic Channel

Thanks for helping me prepare, dudes! They’ll always be a spot for you in the Sprinkles’ bomb shelter! 🙂

March: I got my first, and only, tattoo.  My oldest daughter designed it and got the exact same one on her bicep.  My youngest daughter wants to eventually get it.  She’s still a little bit unsure about the pain aspect of being tattooed.  The three birds on the branch represent my lovely daughters and me, and the bird above them represents my mother watching over us.  March was the 28 year anniversary of her death.

My healing tattoo. How tough is that?

*April:  Celebrating my 48th birthday in April paled in comparison to the mystical wonder of the premier of TLC’s My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding.  This show is especially near and dear to my heart because much of it was filmed just 20 minutes away  from my house!!!  I’ve actually seen the following people in my local Michael’s!

Meet Nettie and her younger sister, Mellie. These girls know how to make bling bras, keep one hell of a clean house, and fight like they’ve got nothing to lose!

This fight is taking place outside of the exact same courthouse that I got married in. Too bad it wasn’t on the same day. I would have been a big help to Mellie!

May: We took our annual beach trip to Nags Head, NC.  While there we endured tropical depression Beryl, ate tons of glorious crustaceans, and my husband plucked a glass lizard out of our pool filter!  Yikes!

Behold my mighty husband holding a beautiful glass lizard! He didn’t even hesitate before picking it up! What a man!

June:  Welcome to now!  I’m chilling with the cats and blogging to you.  (Actually, I’m chilling and they’re staring at me.  It’s pretty creepy.)

Are you almost done blogging? I have needs!

Seriously, woman, I’m waiting!

(I like to imagine that my cats sound like Stewie from Family Guy.)

*I do other things besides watch TV.  No, seriously, I do!

What have all of you been up to lately?

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I’m Out Visiting “Teachers and Twits” Today!

Sprinkles told me last night that she was guest posting over at "Lessons from Teachers and Twits."

Today, I have the honor of guest posting for the spunky and talented Renée Schuls-Jacobson on her fabulous blog “Lessons from Teachers and Twits.” I am very fortunate to be able to share the story of Mrs. Larson, my fifth grade teacher, who put up with my constant shenanigans with grace and poise. So, please head on over to Renée’s blog and check my story out. While you’re there, you’ll want to stop and read heaps and bunches of Renée’s stuff, because just like the gorgeous Hugh Jackman, it’s really great!  (You can also find her on Twitter at RASJacobson)

Day 18: 31 Days of Blogging Honesty

 

 

 

 

Day # 18 Question: The most outrageous thing I would do for a Klondike bar is…

I am extremely lactose intolerant, so my obvious answer would be that I would have loads of diarrhea for a Klondike bar. BUT, that answer doesn’t sound very nice, so let’s play pretend and imagine that I could enjoy the crunchy, chocolate shell and the cold, creamy, dreamy, center of a Klondike. Would an ice cream treat actually be something that I would engage in an outrageous activity in order to eat? I tend to think that it wouldn’t. Perhaps this is because my lifetime of explosive experiences with ice cream has formed a nearly Pavlovian response that forces me to avoid it at all costs, or perhaps it’s because my personal standards are so high that there are only a few things that I would do something outrageous for. Here are some of those things in no particular order of importance:

Things that I would do Outrageous Acts For:

1. Money: Long ago, before I had my student loans paid off, I told my best friend Donna that I would be willing to spend an entire year naked if someone would pay them off for me. That someone never came along, but I would do similar outrageous things involving nudity for large, life-changing sums of money.

2. Meeting Hugh Jackman: More than anything on Earth, I am afraid of moray eels, but I would be willing to swim in a tank filled with 10 large moray eels in order to spend one day with Hugh. Eleven eels; the deal is off!

3. A larger house: My current house is adorable, and it’s certainly filled with love. The problem is that it’s only 1,100 square feet and it usually has anywhere from 4 to 6 adults and two fat cats in it at any given time. I like my space, so for the gigantic home of my dreams I would engage in sewer swimming. Yes, I’m aware that I’m showing no pride of self or sense of safety with this response, but I am a really great swimmer, and I would be willing to swim several miles worth of sewer, in a bikini, for a 5,000 square foot home and a few rounds of antibiotics.

4. To star as Eric Northman’s love interest in the next season of True Blood: Sookie, be damned! Eric should really be with me and the best way to insure that is if I promise to actually drink real, unscreened human blood. Don’t try to talk me out of it; this is a risk I’m willing to take!

5. The guaranteed health of my family: This is a super important one so I would be willing to go pretty far. For this I would pull out all the stops and volunteer to be Oprah’s personal bathroom assistant. This means being there for all of her ups and downs and all of her ones and twos. There to hand her magazines, tissue, and towels, all while averting my eyes per our special contract. Gross? Yes, but for the guaranteed health of YOUR family you might do the same!

Well, there you have it! If anyone in the blogosphere has 10 eels, a large sewer, a random pint of human blood, or knows Oprah, AND can guarantee me wealth, Jackman, a mansion, Northman, or perfect health for my family, call me. I’ll be perfectly willing to be totally outrageous!!

Day 15: 31 Days of Blogging Honesty

 

 

 

 

Day# 15 Question: If I had to spend an entire day as the opposite sex, I would look like _______ and I would spend the day doing…

I thought we had a good thing going. I can't believe you're NOT choosing me!

This question took a great deal of contemplation. Should I spend the day as the beautiful, talented Hugh Jackman, or as the equally gorgeous and super-hot Alexander Skarsgard? Though both would be dreamy to “wear” for the day, I think the man that I would most like to spend 24 hours as, would be my own very wonderful and very loving husband. Something magical happens when you love, and are truly and absolutely loved by, another human being. My husband’s love and kindness has made me a better, softer, more genuine person and my wish, while spending the day as him, would be to make his life a little bit easier. So, here’s my “To Do” list for my day as my husband.

1. Take care of a few uncomfortable situations at work: My husband is usually very happy with his job as one of the division heads of an engineering firm, but one thing he would rather avoid at work is counseling his employees when they exhibit not-so-stellar personal behavior. Though he performs effectively, he’s totally uncomfortable dealing with issues of a personal nature. Having spent the past 16 years as an educator, I’ve taken care of my share of unusual issues, so dealing with the next two problems would be a piece of cake for me!

a. Tammy and Jack: Tammy and Jack are two of my husband’s married employees. The problem is they’re NOT married to one another, BUT they spend their work days carrying on like they are. Last Wednesday they took their affair to the “next level” The problem is, that level was level #3 of the public parking area where their unsavory union in a company truck was witnessed by a mom and her twin toddlers. She hastily reported them to upper administration. Guess who upper admin has asked to counsel with a letter of reprimand this very morning? Yep, my poor awkward husband. Don’t worry honey—I’m on it!

b. John’s nut sack: (John is my husband’s employee) John is a fabulous engineer, but clearly not a fashionista. It has come to the attention of many, that John enjoys a commando lifestyle sans underwear. This would be all well and good if John’s pants fit him properly, but because his slacks tend to be on the snug side, people are complaining about the old trouser snake and his two very large companions. I have no problem with delivering the news that he needs to wear larger pants in order to not offend. Heck, I’ll even offer him the Kohl’s coupon that I got in the mail yesterday so that he’s guaranteed 15% off some new khakis.

2. See an allergist: The Allegra isn’t cutting it. My husband has sniffed, snorted and sneezed since the onset of spring. After I go, as him, to my allergist, Dr. Matthews, he’ll be breathing better in no time.

3. Check out the ol’ poop shoot: My darling husband is 54. This means that he is past due for a colonoscopy by four years. No matter how much I prod him to just make an appointment and get it done, he doesn’t listen. So during my day as him, I’ll endure a scope up my ass out of pure love for my hubby.

4. Do hard math just for the fun of it: Okay, I’ll admit, this one isn’t for him, it’s for me. All my life I’ve struggled with all types of math beyond Algebra I. I’m going to get out my daughter’s calculus book and solve at least a chapters worth of problems, just to see how it feels to actually understand what I’m doing!

Well that’s my day as the fantastic Mr. Sprinkles! Readers, who would you choose?

Day 6: 31 Days of Blogging Honesty

 

 

 

 

Day # 6 Question: Something I want to do in my lifetime but I already know I won’t be able to is…

Be positive, you must!

Well this question is a little bitch, isn’t it? Thanks blogger gods! Way to try to make a normally positive human being think negatively! Well, I’m not going to play your nasty game of pessimism. I have goals; tangible, reachable, fabulous goals and I refuse to shoot any of them down in this insignificant blog! However, apart from my goals of one day publishing the great American novel, of living in a house that is actually larger than 1,100 square feet, and of being Freshly Pressed, I have a few desires that are most likely moot.

1. I will probably never be a guest on the Oprah show, but this is only because her last season is nearly over and the guest roster is already filled.

2. Chances are I’ll never make mad, passionate love to Hugh Jackman, but not because he won’t want to when at last we meet, but because we both value the institution of marriage.

3. The odds are pretty grim that I’ll be chosen as a Real Housewife of Orange County, New York  , Atlanta, or New Jersey, only because I’m not planning on moving to any of those locals anytime soon. (Plus, I don’t think that even on my worst PMS day that I could be as mean as those old slags are!)

4. My silly dream of spending a day as my cat in a sort of Freaky Friday scenario seems pretty hopeless. This doesn’t mean that I won’t try to squeeze a day in here and there where I do nothing but eat, sleep and poop.

5. My bad ankles and asthma are sure to prevent me from unicycling across the United States, but the truth is I don’t really want to unicycle across the United States, I only want to be able to brag to people that I did.

Friend: Hey Sprinkles, did you catch last season of America’s Got Talent?

Me: Oh, that drivel? No, I was WAY too busy unicycling across the United States!

See how cool that sounds?

I’ll also never be able to pee in a coke bottle (unless they make the opening larger), be a crew member aboard a Space Shuttle mission, take down Osama Bin Laden, or claim that I invented the Snuggie. Do all of these could-have-beens get me down? Nope. I like my life just the way it is.

7 Reasons Why I Might Be an April Fool

Yesterday’s post didn’t shine the brightest light on my dear husband’s sense of humor, so in all fairness, it’s time for me to fess up about a few of my own quirks.

1.       I sometimes have a misguided notion about what the general population finds cool. Earlier this week my daughter and I went to hear the author Nancy Etcoff, author of Survival of the Prettiest: The Science of Beauty, speak about her research. I’d seen Ms. Etcoff on Oprah a year or so ago and immediately rushed out to buy her book, which I found extremely thought-provoking.  So, when I had the chance to hear her speak I was beside myself with excitement.  I rushed my daughter out the door an hour before we needed to leave because I was certain that the auditorium would be jammed to capacity, and that finding a seat would be difficult. I was stunned to find myself in a final audience of about 30 people, and most of them were students who were required to be there. I wanted to scream, “My God, people, it’s meet the author night!  Aren’t you excited?” Obviously not.  This leads me to my next imperfection…

2.       I talk WAY too much. Before “Meet the Author” started, we were all standing around in the lobby of the university arts center waiting for the custodian to unlock the auditorium doors when low and behold Nancy Etcoff entered the lobby through the side door where I was standing.  I didn’t recognize her at first because her hair was much longer than it was in her book cover photo.  After a few seconds, she extended her hand to me and introduced herself.  The conversation went something like this.

NE:  Hi, I’m Nancy Etcoff

ME: It’s great to meet you. I’m Sprinkles, I loved your book!

NE: Thank you. 

The conversation should have ended there, but NO, I’m unable to shut up.

ME: Did you have dinner in town?

NE:  Yes, at the Pink Sunset, it was really lovely.

ME: The food is great there. Isn’t this a cute town?  I love your boots!  Are they Manolo Blahnik’s?  You mentioned Hugh Jackman when you were on Oprah.  Have you met him?  What does Oprah smell like? Are you staying in the area tonight? (At this point, frightened that she’s met her first female stalker, she says a very politely, “Well, it was really nice to meet you,” and moves on.

3.      I have celebrity crushes.  While my husband is the true love of my life, I must pathetically admit that at nearly 47 years of age, I have a ginormous crush on both Hugh Jackman (mmm Wolverine!) and Alexander Skarsgard (Eric from HBO’s True Blood series).  My husband has told me that I have his full permission to have an extramarital affair with either, if I ever have the chance.  I’m a “have my cake and eat it too” kind of girl, so I’ve devised the perfect fantasy, Hugh, Alex and my husband will be “brother husbands.” (You know how that fanatical Mormon sect has their “sister wives?”  This is roughly the same concept.)  We’ll all live in a big house and I’ll take turns spending the night with each.  It could happen.  Now, it might take a disaster of apocalyptic magnitude to bring us all together (like I’m the only living female left on the planet), but it is within the vast realm of possibility.

4.       I dance in my car.  Not only do I dance while I’m driving, my daughters and I have specific routines that we have perfected while on various long road trips.  So if you see

3 women in a red Yaris doing the upper body version of Lady Ga Ga’s, Telephone, you can be pretty certain that I’m the driver! 

5.      Speaking of “Sister Wives,” I love trash TV.  I have seen every episode of MTV’s 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom and I’m not even remotely ashamed of this.  Maury, The Real Housewives of New Jersey, and many, many shows that require a lowered intelligence quotient and a penchant for low class drama are on my viewing list.  I do, however, draw the line with watching Keeping up with the Kardashians and The Girls Next Door.  A girl’s gotta have some standards!  

6.      I’ve been known to write fan fiction.  Oh, my God, it looks so nerdy to see that in print, but last year, after finishing Charlaine Harris’s Dead in the Family, I knew I couldn’t wait for the next book in her Sookie Stackhouse series to come out.  So, for my own entertainment, I wrote an entire 230 page, sixteen chapter sequel to it.  My oldest daughter and her best friend, the only people in the world who have read it, deemed it as delectable as if Harris had written it herself.  (Note to Charlaine Harris who, according to her website, does not want people writing Sookie Stackhouse fan fiction:  This book is tucked away safely on the internal hard drive of my now very, virus-infested, dead laptop. If I were ever able to access it, I would never ever think of trying to publish it in any way shape or form, so please don’t bring legal action against me for indulging in my own personal guilty pleasure!)

7.       I laugh at bathroom humor. Yes, it’s the lowest form of funny, but I defy you to keep a straight face whilst I spin my personal yarn of being trapped in a filthy gas station bathroom with explosive diarrhea, no toilet paper, and no tissues in my purse.  The three checks and the few deposit slips that were in my wallet were the only viable wiping materials I possessed.  They seemed to do the trick, but when I flushed, the toilet clogged and flooded the entire bathroom. This would be the part of the story where most sane individuals would flee to the safety of their car and drive off,  But, as I was about to abscond I realized that my name, address and phone number was neatly printed in the left hand corner of each page of my makeshift toilet tissue.  I won’t bore you with the gory details of the rest of that story, but it does involve two pens being used as chop sticks.

So there you have it. My flaws are out in the open.  I’m sure there are quite a few more, but for the sake of length, I’ll stop here!  I hope all of my readers have a fabulous first day of April!