Throughout the years, I’ve teased my darling husband just a wee bit for his lack of comedic style, but today, after a telemarketer called for the second time, I had to generously extend him some comic credit. Now, I’m never one to be rude to a telemarketer, but I have been known to mess with one, if they won’t take no for an answer. After all, this is the modern age of malls and online shopping. If I want something, I can usually find it myself without the assistance of a telemarketer. A few minutes ago, I picked up a call that went something like this:
Telemarketer: (of nondescript nationality, phoning from a very noisy call center) Hello, I am prepared to offer you international calls for only $4.99 per month.
Me: No, thank you. I don’t usually make international calls. Please put me on your “do not call” list.
TM: (Very passionately) We have no list madam, but we have $4.99 a month international calling!
Me: No, thank you. Goodby…
TM: But madam! I have a proposition. I give it to you for free for one month.
(At this point, I am unable to resist such an offer. After all, a comment like that is similar to an opportunity to say “That’s what she said!”)
Me: You’re going to give it to me for free for a month?
TM: Yes, free.
Me: So, are you any good at it?
TM: The phone service madam. It is good.
Me: I didn’t think we were talking phone service anymore. I thought we were talking sex.
TM: I am married man!
ME: Then why are you propositioning me?
TM: (Yelling) It’s $4.99 now a month for you, madam!
ME: Sorry, but you generously offered to give it to me free for a month. I won’t pay for it. I never pay for it.
TM: (Exclaiming in total exasperation) You pay $4.99!!
ME: Are you crying?
TM: (I swear he said this!) I never cry! I am a man!
(At this point my husband in his best little boy voice says, “Help me, mommy! I’ve stepped in poop. Hurry mommy! I’m sinking in a big pile of stinking poo!)
ME: I’ve gotta go. My boy just stepped in crap.
TM: But $4.99, Madam! You must say yes!
I decided the poor guy was about to blow a gasket, so I chose to stop the madness and hung up. Two seconds later, the phone rings again. This time my husband picks up.
Mr. Sprinkles: Hello?
Telemarketer: Are you the man in the house?
Mr.S: Yes, I am.
TM: Your wife. She has hung up on me and I will sue!
Mr. S: You can’t; we’ve already started the proceedings to sue you.
TM: You cannot sue me! Your wife will not accept my offer of $4.99 a month international long distance!
Mr. S: (Sternly) Put us on the “do not call” list.
TM: There is no list!
Mr. S: Don’t call us again, or I’ll put a curse on you! (By this time my youngest daughter has entered the room to listen!)
TM: There will be no curse!
Mr. S: Ha La La Ba Un Da Gaaaaaa! You will burn like fire!
TM: Noooo! $4.99 a…
Mr. S: Ba La La Un Da Ga Haaaaa! You feel that? That’s what a curse feels like!
Mr. S: Bun Da La Ha Da La Baaaaa! You’re cursed now, buddy!
TM: Ok, I end call. (click!)
This is when we all explode with laughter. My husband, the sweet, nerdy, engineer and voodoo priest! Who knew?!
***The poor guy must be a glutton for punishment, because a few minutes later there was a third call that I answered. I won’t go into great detail, but in my best hillbilly accent, I accused the unfortunate fellow of causing my home to be invaded by ghosts, told him that I never made international calls because “them international people is why we lost the Civil War,” and that “I can’t afford $4.99 a month because it’ll cut into my beer money!” He’s promised never to dial our number again!