Mr. Sprinkles: What a Funny Guy!

Image by ulayumbgota via photobucket

 Throughout the years, I’ve teased my darling husband just a wee bit for his lack of comedic style, but today, after a telemarketer called for the second time, I had to generously extend him some comic credit. Now, I’m never one to be rude to a telemarketer, but I have been known to mess with one, if they won’t take no for an answer. After all, this is the modern age of malls and online shopping. If I want something, I can usually find it myself without the assistance of a telemarketer. A few minutes ago, I picked up a call that went something like this:

Call #1:

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: (of nondescript nationality, phoning from a very noisy call center) Hello, I am prepared to offer you international calls for only $4.99 per month.

Me: No, thank you. I don’t usually make international calls. Please put me on your “do not call” list.

TM: (Very passionately) We have no list madam, but we have $4.99 a month international calling!

Me: No, thank you. Goodby…

TM: But madam! I have a proposition. I give it to you for free for one month.

(At this point, I am unable to resist such an offer.  After all, a comment like that is similar to an opportunity to say “That’s what she said!”)

Me: You’re going to give it to me for free for a month?

TM: Yes, free.

Me: So, are you any good at it?

TM: The phone service madam. It is good.

Me: I didn’t think we were talking phone service anymore. I thought we were talking sex.

TM: I am married man!

ME: Then why are you propositioning me?

TM: (Yelling) It’s $4.99 now a month for you, madam!

ME: Sorry, but you generously offered to give it to me free for a month. I won’t pay for it. I never pay for it.

TM: (Exclaiming in total exasperation) You pay $4.99!!

ME: Are you crying?

TM: (I swear he said this!) I never cry! I am a man!

(At this point my husband in his best little boy voice says, “Help me, mommy! I’ve stepped in poop. Hurry mommy! I’m sinking in a big pile of stinking poo!)

ME: I’ve gotta go. My boy just stepped in crap.

TM: But $4.99, Madam! You must say yes!

 I decided the poor guy was about to blow a gasket, so I chose to stop the madness and hung up. Two seconds later, the phone rings again. This time my husband picks up.

Call #2:

Mr. Sprinkles: Hello?

Telemarketer: Are you the man in the house?

Mr.S: Yes, I am.

TM: Your wife. She has hung up on me and I will sue!

Mr. S: You can’t; we’ve already started the proceedings to sue you.

TM: You cannot sue me! Your wife will not accept my offer of $4.99 a month international long distance!

Mr. S: (Sternly) Put us on the “do not call” list.

TM: There is no list!

Mr. S: Don’t call us again, or I’ll put a curse on you! (By this time my youngest daughter has entered the room to listen!)

TM: There will be no curse!

Mr. S: Ha La La Ba Un Da Gaaaaaa! You will burn like fire!

TM: Noooo! $4.99 a…

Mr. S: Ba La La Un Da Ga Haaaaa! You feel that? That’s what a curse feels like!

TM: But…

Mr. S: Bun Da La Ha Da La Baaaaa! You’re cursed now, buddy!

TM: Ok, I end call. (click!)

This is when we all explode with laughter. My husband, the sweet, nerdy, engineer and voodoo priest! Who knew?!

***The poor guy must be a glutton for punishment, because a few minutes later there was a third call that I answered.  I won’t go into great detail, but in my best hillbilly accent, I accused the unfortunate fellow of causing my home to be invaded by ghosts, told him that I never made international calls because “them international people is why we lost the Civil War,” and that “I can’t afford $4.99 a month because it’ll cut into my beer money!”   He’s promised never to dial our number again!

29 thoughts on “Mr. Sprinkles: What a Funny Guy!

  1. Whyyyyyyyy do you not have Twitter or Facebook share buttons? Ba.D. and I just busted up laughing over this, but I cannot share it as I would wish . . . *weeps openly*

    Okay, that may be a bit of an exaggeration, but it’s no exaggeration whatsoever to say you havejmad comedic skill!

  2. I generally avoid answering the phone when telemarketers call, but this is hilarious! I wish I had the gumption to to last so long on a call with a salesperson, just to give a them a hard time, yank their chain and all. But I’d be laughing too hard and would be forced to hang up. Too funny!

    • It’s those years of crank calling that have given me both the stamina and the ability not to laugh! The third call happened a few seconds after I’d very quickly written about the first two. I must have been on with him for 10 minutes with that one. My craziness worked–he hasn’t called back! Thanks for visiting! 🙂

    • I was really proud of my husband for playing along. He usually just sternly threatens legal action and hangs up. He was really enjoying making us laugh this time! It was extra funny because my husband is the most professional looking man I’ve ever met. Not the kind of guy that would spew a curse! 🙂

  3. This. Is. Fantastic! I love the stories about your husband, and this is HILARIOUS! You guys are a hoot! I was cracking up the whole time. This telemarketer had it coming!

    My husband occassionally messes with them, but I think the worst (best?) is when I was on the phone with Discover card, right before I got married, and the guy kept harrassing me to add a protection plan. Eventually I just flipped and shouted, “I’m under a lot of pressure right now! I’m about to get married and I really can’t deal with this!!!” He immediately and sheepishly backed down. ….Annnnd that was my one and only pre-wedding meltdown.

    • That’s so funny! Men are so frightened of a woman flipping out! 🙂 Credit card telemarketers are relentless! I’ll bet you felt just a little less stressed out after your tiny meltdown!

      BTW–How’d you like the (sniff, sniff) last Harry Potter? I had a bit of post Potter depression!

      • I made him so uncomfortable that I really felt silly afterwards! But apparently I needed to take out my nerves on someone (I was so determined not to become a Bridezilla)!

        Oh I LOVED the last Harry Potter! How about you? The one thing that bothered me was the scene with Dumbledore at the end – I don’t think they explained things well enough without having the book as a supplement. It’s hard to believe it’s all over…but still two more Twilight movies (Breaking Dawn/Book 4 in two parts)! Whew.

      • I loved it, Jules! From reading the books so often, I always feel like I’ve already seen the movie even when I’m seeing it for the first time.
        The last two Twilights should be awesome! I’m looking forward to them, too.

  4. Very good. You can also ask them to just hold on for a moment….. And check back in half an hour to see if they’re still there. In the meantime they won’t have been able to call you back.

    • I’ve done that one!! I also like telling them that I have a hearing problem and that they need to talk as loudly as possible. Or, there’s the one when I tell them I’m writing everything down that they say, making them constantly repeat themselves. When I don’t have a lot of time to mess with them, I act really scared and tell them that I can’t talk to them because my husband will beat me if he finds out that I’m talking to another man!
      Thanks for commenting! It’s good to see a new face! 🙂

  5. I sooo wouldn’t have the guts to string him along that way, though I’ve always fantasized about doing something like that. Or start having a conversation with a friend when only one other person is on the elevator with us. Something like, “So how’d you ever get that stuff through customs? They do body searches now!” 🙂

    Good for you and Mr.Sprinkles! Maybe this will inspire me to one day gather my nerve and start messing with people the way I’ve always wanted to 🙂

    • I always politely begin any call with a telemarketer with a request to be put on their “do not call” list. If they don’t honor that request, I feel like they’re asking for whatever silliness that I might put them through! I was surprised that my husband continued to mess with the guy on the second call. I guess the first call inspired him! 🙂
      Oh, I would have soooo had a customs conversation like you mentioned! It’s always harmless fun to spice things up a bit!

  6. Oh Sprinkles, the world is a safer place because your darling Mr. Sprinkles will step in poo for you. He spews curses so strong I can feel them over here. I hope I don’t reach anyone who will mess with me that bad when I do my schpiel for Statistics Canada. Not selling a thing but people still get uppity.

    This had to be the funniest post I’ve read by you yet. I snorted out my nose when I laughed and my daughter stuck her head in the room and rolled her eyes so far in the back of her head I think she could see her brother.
    Oh man that was so funny Sprinkles! Thank you!

    • Thank you, Marie! I’m glad to have given you a good laugh! His curse must have worked because the guy hasn’t called back.
      I hope you and Carly are all moved in and settled in your new place! My oldest came home on Friday for her li’l sister’s b-day party thakt we had yesterday, so we’ve been having a very nice weekend! I hope you have, too! 🙂

  7. Sprinkles, I am home alone tonight, and I literally did LAUGH OUT LOUD! It just got my gut and busted it! SO glad you have a good attitude on a slow day, when the only entertainment is a stray telemarketer…makes me wish I had a landline again, although I have only had a cell for like, 7 years or more. Maybe 8. No telemarketers!

    Nice to see you back up and in action! Summer has been slowing down my brain cells to a cross between slow syrup and expired mollasses.

  8. I laughed my head off. This was yet another interesting twist on your prank calls, for the caller called you–and amazingly not once but thrice. Muahahahaha

    A very good read.

    • Thank you!! Believe it or not the guy called back here a couple of days ago!! I was in the middle of making dinner, so I didn’t mess with him! I’m glad I gave you a good laugh! It doesn’t matter how old I get, playing on the phone is always fun! 🙂

  9. OMG! This is hysterical! I laughed so hard I teared up. I had to read it out loud to my husband and he nearly busted a gut! oh you can’t make this stuff up. You’re husband is a treasure and I’d love to be a guest in your house! Your family sounds truly wonderful.

    I hope and wish you all the best. Keep up the great writing and thank you for giving me a much need laugh.

    • I’m always happy to help out with a laugh!! I was pretty proud of my husband. This was his first time of messing with telemarketers, and I think he did a great job.
      Thank you for the nice compliments! I think I ended up with a wonderful family, as well. I need to do more writing. My youngest daughter starts back in school next week, so I’m hoping to have more free writing time! Thank you for reading and replying! 🙂

  10. Pingback: Mr. Sprinkles: What a Funny Guy! (via How Can I Complain?) « BookNote

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